Adulting & Housing: A Guide for LGBTQ+ Transitional Young Adults Coming Out to Roommates
10/29/2025
Moving in with roommates is exciting and nerve-wracking for everyone. But if you're non-binary, transgender, or gay, there is an extra layer to think about: do you come out to your roommates before you move in, after, or at all?
Whether you're heading to a college dorm or getting your first apartment, figuring out when and how to share your identity can feel overwhelming. The good news is you have options, and you get to decide what’s right for you.
Your Safety Comes First, Always
Before we talk about anything else, let’s be clear about the ground rules: your physical and emotional safety matters most. If you’re in a situation where coming out could put you at risk, it is okay to wait or not share at all.
Before You Move In: The Benefits of Early Disclosure
When you’re searching for roommates or getting matched for a dorm, there are real advantages to being open about your identity upfront.
For one, you avoid moving in with someone who might react badly later. Finding out that your roommate is homophobic or transphobic after you have signed a lease is a nightmare. Being upfront helps you find the right roommate.
Many colleges now allow you to specify LGBTQ+ friendly housing preferences. Schools like Kent State University and Case Western Reserve University have specific housing options and support systems for LGBTQ+ students.
If you are searching for apartment roommates on sites like Roommates.com or Facebook groups, you can include your pronouns in your profile or mention you're looking for an LGBTQ+ friendly living situation.
The Roommate Interview: What to Ask
Whether you are meeting potential roommates through school or searching independently, ask questions that help you figure out if they will be respectful.
You don’t have to come out directly to get a sense of someone. Try asking:
- What’s important to you in a roommate?
- Have you lived with diverse groups of people before?
- How do you handle conflicts or differences?
Pay attention to how they talk about other people. Do they use inclusive language? Have they mentioned LGBTQ+ friends positively? Or do they make jokes that feel uncomfortable?
PFLAG has great resources about having these conversations and recognizing ally behavior versus just tolerance.
Trust your instincts. If something feels off about a potential roommate or living situation, keep looking if you can.
Special Considerations for Transgender or Non-Binary
If you’re transgender or non-binary, bathroom sharing and privacy become important factors. Before moving in, think about what you need to feel comfortable and safe.
Some questions to consider:
- Will you be sharing a bathroom? How do you feel about that?
- Do you need to discuss your gender identity for practical reasons (like hormone medication in shared spaces)?
- Are you comfortable with your roommate seeing your deadname on mail or documents?
The National Center for Transgender Equality has a guide specifically about housing rights and navigating roommate situations. In Ohio, you’re protected from housing discrimination based on gender identity in many cities, including Cleveland, Columbus, and Cincinnati.
For college dorms, talk to your school's housing office and LGBTQ+ resource center. Many schools will work with you to find appropriate housing, even if they don’t advertise it widely.
The “Wait and See” Approach
Not everyone wants to or needs to come out immediately. Sometimes it makes sense to wait until you have lived together for a bit and can gauge whether your roommate is safe and supportive.
This approach works best if:
- You’re not visibly out in other parts of your life
- You don’t have a partner who will be visiting
- Your identity doesn’t require immediate discussion for practical reasons
Just know that waiting can sometimes make the conversation feel bigger when you do have it. Some people find it easier to rip off the band-aid early.
How to Actually Have the Conversation
If you decide to come out to your roommate, here is a simple framework:
- Pick a calm, private time (not right before one of you is rushing out)
- Keep it straightforward: “Hey, I wanted to share something with you. I’m [gay/trans/non-binary]”
- Add what you need them to know: “My pronouns are they/them” or “My partner might visit sometimes.”
- Gauge their reaction and go from there
GLAAD has helpful guides about coming out conversations and language.
If Something Goes Wrong
Sometimes roommates react badly, even if you did everything right. If you experience harassment, discrimination, or feel unsafe:
- Document everything (save texts, emails, write down verbal incidents with dates)
- Report it to your landlord, RA, or housing office immediately
- Contact Fair Housing Center of Northeast Ohio if you’re facing discrimination
- Reach out to Equality Ohio for legal resources and advocacy
You have rights, and you deserve to feel safe in your home. Don’t try to tough it out if the situation is harmful.
Finding Your People
One of the best parts of moving out is finding roommates who truly get you. Look for LGBTQ+-specific housing groups on social media, ask your school’s LGBTQ+ center for roommate matching help, or connect with local LGBTQ+ organizations in Northeast Ohio.
Living with people who accept and celebrate you makes all the difference. You deserve roommates who use your correct name and pronouns without making it a big deal, who support your relationships, and who create a home where you can fully be yourself.
The Trevor Project offers 24/7 support if you’re struggling with these decisions. In Northeast Ohio, LGBT Community Center of Greater Cleveland provides resources and support groups specifically for young adults navigating these situations.
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